Anxious about Time

"But all the clocks in the city

Began to whirr and chime:

'O let not Time deceive you,

You cannot conquer Time."

- W.H. Auden, Lullaby

Germany Trip, 2014

2am and I cannot sleep, for the night is often my grace of peace to which I seek solace in the contemplation of life.

I'm crapping. I actually DO want to sleep but somehow I can't, so meh.

But ofcourse there are certain things on my mind lately that rather... unsettles me? Or saddens me, I don't know. I just feel weird :/ So since I'm awake at this unlawful hour, I might explore a deep conversation with the psyche of the self (cos isn't that what normal people do).

Here's the thing. We all know that time is transient and irreversible: What's done is done; what's said is said. Whatever happiness that we enjoy is really only short-lived in the present - then it becomes a memory to be recalled, but never to be fully relived. 

Ofcourse, the same goes for our mistakes. Thank goodness they're left behind as mere memories, phew!

Perhaps the impermanence of time is not all that bad - in a sense that it makes every moment more appreciated and discourages our stagnation amongst old memories. What disturbs me though, is the mild hypnotism of time that I seem to fall subservient to.

It's so scary how we live day by day, in accordance to the unconquerable rhythm of time that dictates our existence. 12pm we have lunch, 7pm dinner. In between, we pack our hours back to back in attempt to juice the fullest of our limited day. Honestly, I rather miss my days as a child, oblivious to the idea of time. I would do whatever that makes me happy, for however long I wanted to.

Yet growing up in an environment where efficiency is greatly valued, I have become a person with little tolerance for time wastage. I often feel irritated and tend to react badly in situations where I consider my time wasted; and then I feel bad for it afterwards :( Now, when I'm conscious of all these, I feel that I have stupidly subjected myself to being a slave of Time. You know how people say "Either you run the day, or the day runs you"? Well I definitely try to do the running (I sprint infact!), but ironically it is my conscious effort to BE the runner that relegates me to being precisely that which is run by time.

Maybe our lives will indeed forever be guided by the whirr and chime of the clock, after all time is (undeniably) unconquerable. But perhaps all this while I have misunderstood the purpose of time. Likely, in rushing to maximize my day, I have actually minimized my own experience by trying to accomplish too many things.

I should probably stop panicking over the thought of limited time, because maybe time is liminal in its own viture. The constraints of time is bound to exhort anyone towards some degree of regret (I mean like opportunity cost, you know, in econs). But amidst all that, we possess our treasured memories and relations - in all of these we have our own timeless.

I still have a lot to learn. But I'm starting to see things clearly now, I think! 

(Also, sorry if this post was an utter bore! I promise for happier entries in the near future!)