Crisis

"I don’t like to get mixed up.

And I am afraid she might get me mixed up,

like they say how you might cross your eyes and then

you can’t uncross."

- William Faulkner, excerpt from Light in August.

I can't say I've been at my peak of clarity, especially of late.

The past semester has been, of most things, an unexpected surge of new meanings to things I thought I understood. The scariest of them is realising myself as one of the incongruence I don't quite comprehend.

Perhaps it is the change in environment that has finally found itself some acceptance in me. But instead of feeling assured, I feel more afraid than ever.

Having come across an entire spectrum of brilliance in this one place, hearing so many voices, experiencing so much identity, I sometimes find myself swaying like some little seaweed in an abusive tide. 

"Like they say how you might cross your eyes and then you can't uncross."

I don't know if stumbling across this line in a book was like some ominous foreshadowing of my impending cross-eyedness doom or whatever lah haha. But seriously, this relates so much to me right now that it's appropriateness is kinda creepy.

Right now, I see myself in a dark room, knowing fully well it is dark. Yet somehow I make out a certain stream of light, of which I cannot explain its source or its end. In seeking, I nearer myself to the realisation that the room is indeed dark; the light a figment of my imagination.

But the clarity of darkness is really not want I want. Rather than giving me assurance, I think it just makes me sad and all the more confused about who I am. 

I don't want to lose my amazing nonsense-appreciation gift, or my ability to be a blur sotong. I enjoy these things! (As unbelievable as it sounds like something one enjoys)

I'm sure everybody has their own imaginary light in their dark room; of which some are braver in facing their circumstances without the desire for fabrication. But I have to admit, I'll never be able to live up to that. I've always been one to enjoy cheap thrills of hope (false or not) and, as shallow as it sound, I like my ignorant days.

Please, dear dear life, please do NOT let me lose myself. Allow me the strength to cross my eyes when required, but not lose the ability to uncross them at other times.

There'll always be new things to learn, and ideas are bound to be redefined along with discovery. I just pray that through these discoveries, I don't stray too far from home. Perhaps this is just the start-line jitters, I'm sure hoping that things will turn out well :)